1.) All of those middle-of-the-night trips to the bathroom during the last few months of pregnancy had nothing to do with the size of your bladder. No, that was simply the brain holding an REM-cycle Boot Camp to prepare for 10 p.m., midnight, 2 a.m., 4 a.m., and 6 a.m. breastfeeding sessions.
2.) The real reason it hurts so badly to go to the bathroom after having a baby has little to do with the muscles used during childbirth. Oh no, this is simply to build up empathy and sympathy for your little one, who will also cry and scream when going #2. My advice? Bring your baby into the bathroom and face each other. Misery loves company; especially on the toilet.
3.) You're not waiting six weeks to have sex because your body needs time to recover. You are waiting six weeks to have sex because your husband will need time to lower his expectations of your post-baby body -- and it helps to have the ten-minute performance shortened to two for your first few times back in the saddle.
4.) You thought the long nine month wait to meet your little bundle of joy was necessary for your body to create a new life inside its own. But really its just nature's way of preparing your friends and family for the long nine month wait for you to finally mail out the birth announcements.
5.) All that heartburn you experienced while your kid was growing hair in the womb? It's nothing compared to the way your heart will twinge every time you lift your little man out of bed and find a trail of his hairs behind as he rubs his head bald. In fact, I find I miss the taste of the chalky candy pieces that are Tums.
And now, my photographic apology for the two-month absence.
